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Why I Quit Smoking. It Involves Trampolines.

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Estimated 3 min read

Sometimes it takes an unexpected life event for someone to successfully quit smoking. Mine was nearly dying in front of 50 children.

I went to a trampoline amusement park a few years back called SkyZone, which is different to other amusement parks in that it’s complete shit. It’s a big warehouse full of trampolines, and it’s an intense, uncomfortable and evil place disguised as fun. It’s like Hillsong.

They had one of those stereotypical girls at the counter who obviously went through the training like a champion because she was just over the moon about the specials.

“Hi welcome to SkyZone! Today we’re offering the dodgeball tournament for only $10 extra at the end of the 1- hour session!”, she exclaimed with the tenacity and emotional commitment of Richard Simmons on bath salts.

It’s $18 an hour right, but here’s a bit of business advice so you don’t end up with a fatality, SkyZone.  Offer a 10-minute package for smokers. I was a smoker back then and I honestly thought I was going to die. All these kids were just bouncing around without a care in the world doing triple backflips, things I couldn’t even do when I was a kid. I don’t know what happened, they were getting 15 seconds of air time doing synchronized jumps and shit.

Meanwhile I’m not even bouncing anymore, I hadn’t bounced in 10 minutes, I’d just been standing near the back, terrified, trying to catch someone’s attention so I could ask them if I looked okay.

“Does anyone else feel like they’re having a stroke?”

The other thing is you didn’t even sweat, oh no. You didn’t have time, your body became so overwhelmed so quickly that you only had a minute or two of terrifying panic with your heart sounding like someone left a vibrating Nokia 3210 on marble, and then this devastating sense of calm just swept over your entire body and you thought,

“Well, didn’t think I’d die in a trampoline park. Have fun in therapy you little shits.”

All this and I still had 45 minutes left and a fucking dodgeball tournament, because you had all the confidence in the world when you got in there.

“An hour? Are you sure that’ll be enough time? I have so many plans.”

It’s dangerous man, in the interest of safety I felt like I should’ve been given a whistle just in case of emergency. Or those emergency button necklaces they give to decrepit old people, the ones that have a gyroscope so it automatically knows when they’ve fallen over because old people tend to slip away when they have a fall.

We’re now in a time where our aging population is fitted with the same technology as the iPhone.

“Quick get your bag, Nanna’s gone into landscape!”

It’s funny how nearly dying on a trampoline in front of 50 children will gift you with a new perspective on life and push you to give up smoking for good.

Whatever your life changing event is, I hope it comes soon and you start to truly make the most out of it.

Currently living in Sydney Australia, I come from a background in brand marketing and comedy writing. I’ve spent the last 3 years heavily involved in the vape industries of the USA, UK, and Oceania.

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